Maniacal Days

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Mom guilt sucks

And apparently this is just the beginning. Great.

All those days that I had to drop Allie off at daycare hysterically crying screaming my name "Mommy please! NOOO Don't leave me!! Please Mommy don't go!!!" was totally heart wrenching. I'd go to work and count down the minutes where I can call and see that she was ok, trying to keep strong.

"She likes going" I'd tell myself. "It's just a little separation anxiety" I'd say. "It's the best thing for her, she learns so much" I'd repeat, trying to hold down my tears. Deep down I felt horrible that I was forcing her to stay in a school with strangers instead of home where she belongs and wants to be.

Slowly (REAL slowly) it got better. She wouldn't cry as much and began to get used to going. We all felt better. Then Luke showed up and she reverted back. She started screaming again, this time worse. I'd count down those minutes till I can call to make sure she's ok, only when I'd call they would say. "She's having a hard time still, she's still crying on and off"

*UGH* There it goes again mommy guilt punching me in the stomach.

Now I'm really horrible. I'm home with the new baby and sending her to school, and she hates it. I could keep her home....I'm HOME. Everyone would say to me "keep up the routine, it's better off" but that guilt wouldn't go away.

Then it got better again, in fact it got so good that she started to love going. She actually asks if she can go now, to "go play with my friends!" When I drop her off she goes right in with a smile and a "Bye mommy, see you later!".

Now, of course Mike and I decided that we are going to try and swing me staying home with them. Great, right? All that guilt about me leaving her gone, right? She'll be home with me where she always wanted to be, right? *sigh* wrong. Cause now she wants to go to school. And now I have to take her out.

*UGH* There's that mommy guilt again. DAMN IT.....can I ever win? You send her, your guilty. You pull her, your guilty.

How do you explain to a 2 and a half year old that she can't go and play with her friends anymore because mommy is going to stay home? You can't. that's how. So instead you just hope that it goes away quietly and attempt to make some new friends for her, and keep trying to be strong.

As my grandmother would say: YOU wanted to be called mom....

Labels: A Day in the Life, Althea Raye, learnin' every day, you wanted to be a mom

Posted by Jenn :: 12:42 PM :: # 5 comments